What is going through my mind???

I closed my eyes, i pretended i didnt see.

I covered my ears, i pretended i couldnt hear.

I zipped my lips, i pretended i have nothing to say.

I thought I didnt care.

Deep inside, i scream to know all.

I realised that it is no longer superficial,

Rooting into my flesh, through my rib bones,

and slowly strangling the only thing that beats.

(taken from Wen's blog)

What the fuck is going through my mind???? I dont know if i want that question to be rhetorical or not, but all I do know right now is that I am messed up. Man no wonder actors get paid a lot! Takes real skill to pull things off dont it?
Well whatever , I dont really give a fuck about anything anymore, yes I know there's already quite a bit of swearing in this post but could you just ignore that and not give a damn. It is my fucking blog after all, and I ahve given up all fucking hope of making it a known blog so who gives a fuck right?

I wonder where I can find a screamo band.. I wanna join one and scream together on stage and get laryngitis. That'll be cool, at least I'll end up being famous "probably" and if not I can lose my voice and not have to answer anyone. That works =)

Anyways, I have to fucking get back to doing this fucking math homework. Who ever thought of all this must've had a lot of fucking time on their hands. nyeh.. I dont give a damn. I'm not gonna be here for longer anyways.. Wohooo.. so Fuck that!

Debilitated

As the title says, that's pretty much how I am right now. Don't know what it means? Look it up in the dictionary or do what lazy people with great internet like me do, Google it!

Mentally, Spiritually, Emotionally, and physically drained. Everything's sapped out of me. I feel like I cant go on like this. I want to break down so badly but I try my best not to cause it be stupid to just randomly break down in front of so many people. It would just make them worry too much and too many questions will be left to be answered.

The corridors, hallways, stairs, field, auditorium. They keep sending back nostalgic flashbacks into my head. There's just so many places, occurrences and moments which warp me back into time. I'm lying to myself and everyone so badly right now you cant even come to terms to how big this lie is.

Thanks so much to my friends who've tried their best to get me right side up again but it's no use. Till I find a way to sort myself out, there's nothing any one of you can say that will calm the cold wind in my soul. A personal thanks to Sharon who though I've not known for long still offered to help and offered her wisdom to me.

I pictured this differently. Maybe it's because I hung on the inverse of reality. Maybe it's because I cant tell the difference between what's going on in my head and in the real world. True enough that I miss you, and I miss you so badly even though you're in front of me. Nothing has changed really, but there's that separation bit that peeves and irks the both of us. It's hard trying to keep that Angel smile when I cant keep up with you.

Just like how guitar strings can slice into one's flesh if not careful, it's just the same when you tell me not to care. My guitar sounds different, my skills have drained, and the tremors have relapsed. Why is it so hard to get over someone? Maybe it's because I didnt will it to end this way. God Forbid I do something stupid.

On a seperate note, Check out The new LOVE DRUNK album by Boys Like Girls, it's great. But too bad I had to find it at a time like this.


And also this one song by Switchfoot - Yesterday from the Oh Gravity! Album. I know it's kinda old since they've got the new Hello Hurricane album out. But Switchfoot is always good!

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~reflections~
my nightmares keep growing..
the only good dream I had in the past few days
was once with you by my side...

Your Guardian Angel

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

A myriad of challenges and multiple hindrances have appeared in my life. There's been so many things getting me down its getting hard just to get by nowadays. That upwards curve you normally see on my visage, it's fading away into a downwards parabola.

As I sit here in front of the lighted rectangle flat screen box, Im reminded of all the times when there was someone else on the other end looking at their own rectangular flat screen box. I admit strengths and will power is definitely not one of my hardcore pillars or cornerstone cause I depend on someone to help push me and strengthen me.

As I sit here eating my spicy noodles lighted by my black Ikea table lamp, I cant help but think of the past five hundred and fifty five days spent with you. For it to all come crashing down right now when I need strength the most amongst the atrocities in the world that I face and amongst the angst, the anger, the taunts, the people who make it their sworn task to condemn me, really really was not what I need. But I blame no one. Apart from myself though I know you said not to blame myself. It cant be helped. I know if i say to you dont blame yourself, you would still feel it inside wont you? I guess it cant be helped.

After all the praying, after all the faith and after all the time I've believed, trusted and hoped, it makes me almost want to blame God for everything. Of course I dont blame God for anything. He's the one who introduced me to you in the first place. I dont blame my parents nor do I blame yours. Sometimes it's just the way things are. We were fated to meet, I guess my existence had a purpose parallel of that to yours.

After all that I still cant shake off the feeling in me. I still cant just deny what my heart is saying. It makes me want to run away shouting and screaming my lungs out. It makes me want to hide away into the dark away from light. But that would be absurd. I've a promise to keep. A promise I made to myself, A promise I made to you. I guess Im being promoted to a higher purpose now. I dont know if I can look back and laugh, but this is me now. Who knows what kind of trouble I'll get into next time huh?

It's hard to look into the light...
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~reflections~
What are you feeling?
What's going on inside of you?
I still dont know..

Every Little Thing

Let me in to see you in the morning light
To get me on and all along the tears they come
I see you're cold, I want you to believe in life
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
And when you find out who you are its too late to change

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time, sometimes

Lift me up, just lift me up dont make a sound
Let me hold you up before you hit the ground
I see your cold, you say your alright
But i get the strangest feeling that you've gone away, you've gone away
And when you find out who you are, its too late to change

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, every thing you wanted, everytime

Don't give me up
Don't give me up tonight
Soon nothing will right at all, salvation
Because when you find out who you are, its too late to change
Too late to change

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted, all the time
Oh, I wish I could be every little thing you wanted every little you wanted all the time
This time, everylittle thing you wanted all the time, oh
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away

This was the song by Dishwalla that me and my friends covered for the Prefects Investiture. If i was a better vocalist I could've probably made people cry but I wasnt. So tough Luck for me. I still dont know why I chose this song really. It was one of those, In the heat of the moment things. I was really down the whole week, since It's been a really hard and tough week for me so I guess I wanted to prove something, to say something out with my heart..

The winds blowing in were cold, they couldnt be calmed down any other way apart from being stopped by your gentle voice. Sure you hurt me, sure you made things even worst, but you didnt know. It was just one of those things that happen once in a while.

I do want to be every little thing you wanted. I promised myself I would never sing this song because it was so "jiwang" which is kind of an insult yet complimentary colloquial word in malay. But I broke that promise to myself and sang it anyways. You know what, subconsciously I think since I annoyed you and since you were ignoring me, It was my way of saying sorry and once again proving who I am to you.

There's only pretty much one thing left for me to do. Well there are two options. But I've been told to Never Surrender, So I hope I'll be Forgiven. Tomorrow could be One Day too Late, but for the time being Im Awake and Alive. Please just Believe in me.. I know I was a Monster, but maybe I could be your Hero. Ami Tomake Miss Kori.. I miss you and how we were before.. But that doesnt mean im giving up. It just means I'm gonna grow up.

Just let me hold you up before you hit the ground...
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~reflections~
Dont take me seriously..
There's a lot that's going through my mind each day...
Given the chance I wanna speak about them....
but given the chance It'll take too long to say them.....
there's no denying that I still love you though......
No Matter What.......
I'll see this till the end and from there move on
Believe

Who I am, Hates Who Im being..

Crazies I tell you! I cant go one day being little old emo me for a change without pissing people off -_-''' Come on people I need a break! Give me a little chance to let loose a little, I cant always be the perfect machine that does all my work to precision like a Swiss Watch Artisan!!!!

Man it's pissing off really, even more than having your house burnt down on a perfect sunny Sunday afternoon. School offers me no refuge during periods where lessons for me are non existent. I need a place where I can hide away in quite! I need the freaking bloody common room!

But I guess I found another place where I can probably be at tomorrow and that has to do with bracing the elemental winds and heat and prickly sand of the unfrozen tundra. It's only been a few weeks in school and Im already begging for it to end or to give me a break, I cant keep this up really, but maybe I should just keep faith, hope, persevere through everything and just Trust that everything will be okay.

I miss these fags!!! T_T :(



Why do humans lose sight of the simplest thing so easily?
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~reflections~
it's the 29th...

Electric Fields, Intonation, FML!!!

Yes, Im guessing the title doesnt make much sense. Oh well F-it.

What have I been up to you ask? Delaying my updating for such a long time? I've been up in my head with things that I shouldnt be bothered in. The life I lead right now is extremely pedantic and hectic sometimes I wish I could just get some moral support from the cosmos and more importantly my friends.

Life these days without the whole family together has been tough. I need to go through an ordeal of things daily to just survive. It's not enough that I survive, I've got to do better than that, got to keep up a grade point average as well as keep my peers and my teachers happy. Sometimes I wish I could just be knocked out into a coma. Maybe that will make me happy for once.


Honestly I just wanna run away right now. This home, aint home no more. Taking on the responsibilities of Deputy Head Boy, School's Newspaper editor, and a lot of other things in my long list of crazies plus trying to balance and complete the Full A level Course under my own brain power is really just taking a toll on me. Honestly, no one will understand how I feel right now. Those who I thought would, proved to be ridiculing and seemingly nonsupporting towards my cause. It's like my luck ran dry. I can only Trust God and Myself so far as I know. I run to seek refuge yet the only refuge I can get is putting on a smile for the rest of the world. Im tiring. Help.


Just like my previous N70, I cant read my simcard anymore cause I refuse to. I just dont want to work anymore. And My rest is long overdue.


I like to gaze up towards the night sky and look towards the beauty of the moon and pretend like I'm supposed to save a stranded lover on the moon. Alas, no such luck, even love has run dry. It's just waiting to bleed my heart after all the tears have been shed. My defenses are down, they're low, im vulnerable. F-it

All the achievements in the past. All the magnificent things I've achieved. The discipline. They dont seem to be able to help me as much as I want.


I just want to smile again. With honesty, with kindness, most of all with love. I've lost my smile, who's gonna get it back for me?
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~reflections~
Whatever you're planning, you're doing it well....
My downfall is planned,
the day it all goes down,
my life will be taken,
Your smile restored

Im Back!!

Hey guys, whoever still follows this blog, Im back from my month long trip to Malaysia. Wohooo!! It's time to get serious now though, cause my exams will be up in a few months which kinda scares me.

So what's been happening the past month of my hiatus? Well too many things to mention but I'll be sure to blog about it later on. I got some interesting pictures to post too! Hopefully they're interesting. Oh and on a seperate note, I got suspected for influenza A(H1N1) or more commonly known as the devastating Swine Flu 0_0!!! I showed all the various symptoms for Swine Flu apart from the key ingredient of a High Fever so in the end I was dismissed and given house arrest for two days. Which I of course didnt obey. Haha.

Well it's been a bumpy ride so far, but Im sure it can only get better from here. I just received my results from my previous O Levels Examinations, my IGCSE's and Im happy to say that I've achieved an above average result with no B's, no C's and no D's. So it's been good.

Well I've gotta go, I'll be sure to update about the wonder of Malaysia next time around. Until then take care guys =)